JUST BE.

I’m writing this blog to get a reason across to myself so that maybe I’ll finally understand things going on in my life. If you take something away from it, awesome. :)

I remember being miserable after a break up & sitting there hating on the guy every chance I got, but that is so petty. Saying those hurtful things didn’t even make me feel better. So, I don’t know why they were coming out of my mouth. I have no clue why I didn’t just stop caring. Would that not be easier? I mean, he had moved on, why shouldn’t I? Choosing to hang on to the anger & hurt was a terrible idea. Luckily, I tend (not always) to be a person who can discard the relationship & move on. I have a break up ritual: cry, friends, sweets, seventeen magazine, & sleep. You laugh, but it works. After said ritual, I’m done. Clean slate. Cassie is newly single & ready to take on the world. However, there are certain circumstances where I have clung on to that situation with all my might, but I started to learn.

A couple months ago my car flat out quit running. I was terrified & stressed & had no idea what to do. Part of me, a large part of me, just wanted to lie in bed & cry because trying to find a new car meant being an adult & doing things on my own. Don’t get me wrong, I like taking care of myself, but buying a car is scary business. Anyway, I chose to step up & with the help of my awesome, loving parents, & wonderful friends, I found a car. I chose to do something instead of sit around & whine about it.

Lately, a few situations have popped up that have put me in a funk. Nothing big, but it’s all a bit overwhelming with everything happening at once. With that, I have been thinking a lot about happiness, my happiness & how I decide whether or not to be happy. Honestly, if I just stop stressing about something & try to discard it, not avoid it, but just stop grasping on to it with all my might, then I feel better. I feel happy.

That’s what I intend to do, to stop holding on to things with everything I have. Now, I don’t mean my dreams or things that I, Cassie, have control over. No, I mean things that I cannot help, like, other people’s decisions & by chance mishaps (like cars breaking down). I can only control what I do & how I feel about what other people do. This goes for everyone. You can choose to be miserable & mope around aimlessly whining OR you can choose to be happy & live life to the fullest. Don’t let other’s get you down. If it is one thing I’ve learned since High School, even in High School, it’s that people are people & they’re going to do what’s good for them. So, why not do what’s good for you & chose to be happy?

MISTAKES OF 2011.

I think most people are afraid to make mistakes, I know I am. I feel as if 2011 was a year of a whole lot of mistakes. I will list a few.

• I keep dating people who are too young for me. YES, I am aware. Shut up.
• I tried to fix a lot of things that I should have just left alone.
• I let a boy come between me & a close friend.
• I waited a year too long to become friends with people at school.
• I tried to get back together with a couple of exes & that was just a dumb idea.
• I watched a movie & got an idea in my head & then it ruined something that could have been really great with a special person.
• I did not study enough. Well, until the end of the semester when I had to put my ass into overdrive & then it still was not enough.

Maybe to someone looking in and not knowing what went on, some of these seem like minor mistakes. These mistakes, though, had a big impact on my personality & the way I treat people. However, I’m going to give a few good things for every mistake.

• Now I know my limits or I have limits…
• Now I know that trying harder is not always a good thing & that I need to be less stubborn in all aspects of my life. I should be more accepting of what is happening & deal with it. Or in some cases, trying to impress someone against your morals is REAAAAALLY stupid. A lot.
• Me & this girl have made up & now I’m paying for what I did to her, but that’s okay because I was a bitch & totally deserve it. Now I won’t ever put myself into that situation again.
• I will not be shy in new situations or at least I am going to try! I know I will regret not putting myself out there later.
• Exes are exes for a reason. That chapter is over, they probably haven’t changed or they have, but now they have to pay for what they did to you. A few months, or a year or two does not change much about a person, generally. Drink some fresh new water and leave your backwash behind.
• If I could go back to May of last year & slap myself for thinking this would actually work the way it did in the movie, I would. Life is not like the movies in that there is a story after the credits. Think about it.
• SCHOOL IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING RIGHT NOW. I’m studying to obtain a degree in theatre. So, I should probably take it more seriously than boys & friends & stupid stuff. Makes sense, huh? Seeing how theatre is one of the things I love most.

All of these small mistakes lead to major happenings in my life. I have some stories, let me tell you, but from those mistakes I have become a stronger person. I know more about what is right and what is stupid. This past year has taught me quite a bit about taking a chance even when there are repercussions to your decision. Sometimes you just have to take a chance and see what happens. Those chances may end up being mistakes, but I would have rather taken the chance & said sorry than not taken the chance at all.

So, thank your 2011 for offering me chances to take and mistakes to make. You won’t learn any other way. :)

CLIMBING MOUNTAINS.

The sad thing about relationships is that things change. Everything is always changing & there’s always a new obstacle to overcome. It is one situation after another. The beauty of relationships, of strong relationships, is having that person by your side climbing every mountain of conflict with you. However, there often comes a time when you are ready to climb that mountain, but the other person you’re with, whether it be a friend or a significant other, may not be as ready as you are. We tend to hold on to the way a person used to be. Sometimes we don’t see the way they’ve changed after the obstacles they have encountered. So, we believe they are the same as they used to be, ready to take on anything with you by their side. When their enthusiasm doesn’t meet your own, you start to drag them up the mountain. It hurts and it’s hard. It does nothing except damage the both of you. It damages the relationship.

If you find yourself struggling with a person, trying to keep them motivated so they will stay around, maybe it’s time to let them go climb different mountains with different people. No one wants someone pulling them down when they are trying to go up.

FACE DOWN IN THE DIRT.

In the words of the lovely Wendi Wainscott, “Be bold!”

I don’t know about you guys, but this is a difficult statement to go by for a girl like me. I’m shy with new people, I’m scared of rejection, and I am terrified of what others may think of me. However, over the past few years with me growing older and “becoming an adult”, being bold has done me a lot of good. Not to say there are not bad moments when I feel like an idiot for taking that extra step and falling flat on face. After falling on your face, though, you eventually have to get up and keep moving on or else your destined to spend eternity with your face in the dirt.

When I started college last year, I was extremely timid about EVERYTHING. I was hesitant to make new friends because I was not confident with who I was. I did not think people would like me and I was also struggling with different inner conflicts. However, I became friends with a few people throughout the year, who ended up showing me that I was actually kind of a pretty awesome person. When this year started I took a chance and began hanging out with more people in the theatre department instead of going home and sitting on my butt after class. This was a bold move for me. I closed my eyes and took that extra step and ended up not falling on my face, but I ended up on a path with really awesome new friends and strengthening relationships with my professors. Suddenly, going to school was not so intimidating.

That is merely one incident that showed me to get up off my butt and do something. Sometimes you have to take chances in life. Write your phone number on a napkin and give it to the cute waiter you can’t take your eyes off of, get up on that stage and sing a silly karaoke song, or just talk to a stranger & see where it goes (Obviously you should be smart about this one. It’s called be bold, not being dumb.) Life will not be interesting or worth it if you take the flat, straight path. It is only when you add twists and turns and hills that life becomes a little more interesting and a little more worth living.